Any Day Now...

This is the title I wish I was writing about today. Today was our official due date for Alexander. Today is the day I have dreading since March 3. I kept telling myself it would feel more real after this date, that after 8/22/09 I would suddenly put together in my head and heart that our loss in March means that our baby will not be joining our family permanently. So, does it feel more real? How are we doing? I wish there was a clear answer to either of those questions. I wish I could put into words my thoughts and emotions, but when I sit down to write out the overwhelming feelings I have inside, my fingers freeze, and I am unable to put "pen to paper". So instead of trying to explain how I feel I will share this:

We have learned so much from our loss. Alexander has taught us so much and he was only here barely an hour. He has taught me the importance of showing sympathy and compassion where I once felt uncomfortable to do so. That sometimes when the perfect words seem unattainable, a simple hug may be all that one needs.

He taught me to love the life I am living because I am not exempt from the bad. I found it too easy to think that I was invincible. Bad things happened to other people, but not me! WRONG! Bad things happen to everyone. I needed that reminder. I needed to be reminded that all the beauty in my life is a blessing from the Lord, and that it is simply a blessing to be living it. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I want to make the most of today before I find out.

The most important thing Alexander taught me/reminded me was to trust in the Lord. His plan for us far exceeds our own. This one hits the hardest because I am a big planner, one known for having "blue prints" of how I wanted MY life to go. Alexander would have been right on schedule...2 kids within 2 years...check! I may never know why this "fluke", as they called it, happened to us, but I do know that what happens next will be up to God. A decision I have to make every morning when I wake up.

I think of my sweet baby everyday. Thinking about how big my belly would be, if he would have been early or late, and most of all what he would have looked like. Would he have been like his big brother? Would he been laid back like his Daddy? Would he have been a good sleeper, eater? I think about him in Heaven looking down on us. Do I make him proud? Does he know and can he see how much we love him? I like to picture him as an angel protecting and comforting thousands of children and babies. It brings peace to my heart. He will forever be my son, I will love him, miss him, and think of him everyday of my life. I hope over time the number of days I re-live the horror of that night will slowly lessen and that it will be replaced by a peaceful remembrance of holding him during his last minutes. What a blessing my awesome God gave me that night. The only light in the darkest night I have ever seen. What a wonderful God we serve. Please continue to pray for my family and me as we go forward each day. Your prayers have been felt so deeply in our hearts. Thank you!